my journal

Since grade school, i always keep a journal, a tome of my thoughts and reactions about anything and everything.
It would have been a leisure to read my oldest entries and look about upon that pool of water on how i was...
but then, it would be impossible.
Before a year would end, i would read all my writings, shed tears again on some, laugh, and feel the emotion all over. Then, encrypting to memory, i would burn my journal, i would watch as fire eats up the paper and the ink - instruments of my emotional relief. it was pretty dramatic, i should say, and it has become a ritual for years.

why i'd burn it?
of all the emotions depicted in those journals, only one emotion compelled me to act on such a way.
fear.
fear that the person who might find them couldn't understand well,
fear that i would be misinterpreted,
fear that i would not be accepted because of my stance on things and my insane thoughts,
fear that i might feel derided and ridiculed.

it was how it pretty all started...when i write just for myself.
with contempt upon others who'd try even to cast a glimpse on my precious epistle of thoughts.
then, years went by...and the traffic of life has become so heavy i almost entirely forgot about my little ritual, but of course, i still continue to write.
as i perused over my older entries,
i realized that what i wrote seemed like a cycle of events and emotions repeating itself over and over again....and i was even unaware of it.
though, it was a continuous series of ups and downs, surprisingly, it wasn't a bore to read,
because every now and then, you'd learn something new from that experience,
and most often, those new lessons will eventually guide you through the next chapter.

and so, i decided to try to keep my latest journals with me.
a new light has shown not to fear, but rather to tell others about my adventures.
if i have benefited from it, then why should i be selfish and confine it to the dark damp corners of my cabinet?
if my journals helped me go through life, then with all odds, maybe others can, too.

-honey-